I lost count.
Before the therapy started, I was thinking about asking my Therapist if she thinks I still need therapy. What is the end goal in this? For me to totally get healed from all my anxieties and depression? I doubt that would happen. Does that ever happen? Raise your hand if you are now a healed person from mental illness. It seems more like a shot of mental clarity juice where you get temporary relief from your clouded mind. Then I get boosted mental stability to get along my days for a little while before the next breakdown.
I didn’t even expect a breakdown this time. But as usual, I did. Almost like a mental garbage disposal event, a bunch of unrelated, buried under, ugly thoughts got dumped all out into my therapist’s side. Without offering anything advice, she asked quietly: “Now just a minute and feel from the top of your head to your toes, what are you feeling right now?” Honestly? Nothing much. All the tensions were gone. Shoulders were light. I was sitting in peace with a really quiet mind, which almost never happens even during meditation. What is this witchcraft? My mind knows that a professional “”mental garbage sorter” is present. All my issues, legitimate or not, are temporarily not my problems now. She will organize them for me; she will somehow make sense out of nonsense for me; she will give me an idea what I need to focus my limited energy on.
What a wonderful feeling! To let someone else take charge of your life for a little while. I think that I am just tired of being a responsible adult, for people around me. I don’t want to make decisions on what is for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is interesting to see how my anxiety for future is very much related to my current relationship issues and insecurities. As I found out, things that you brush under the carpet, guess what? They are still there! Surprising isn’t it? Just because you cannot see them at the moment, does not mean they are gone. My problems are still there, at the back of my head, bugging me.
What am I trying to say here? I have no idea. I will make sense out of this later, maybe. One thing that I am more clear right now, is that my feelings are real and they are legitimate feelings. There are no right or wrong feelings. I need to acknowledge that. If I like eating spicy food and you cannot take any spice, doesn’t mean my food preference is more right than yours. But it also does not mean that my feeling towards spicy food is more right or wrong than yours. If I knew that you cannot take any spice, I still force you to like spicy food, then there is something wrong with me. And if I continue to make only spicy food for dinner, and when you complain about it, I apologize to you. This is also wrong. Same as my insecurities. If you knew I have these insecurities, and you still do the things that make me feel insecure, even apologize afterwards, still makes you in the wrong. Because my feelings are real and legitimate. Let’s acknowledge that.