I must have gained 20 lbs in the past few weeks. I am also too chicken to stand on a scale to verify the actual figure. As soon as the temperature drops below zero, and the Sun is only available during business hours (the exact hours when I am locked in the downtown glass building bathing in computer radiations), my body seems to go into hibernation mode. Eat and sleep are the only things I have accomplished mindlessly these days.

Gudetama, a lazy egg yolk with a bacon blanket

How am I feeling? The fact is, I am ok. I am not sad, or happy. I don’t really feel anything. I haven’t done anything exciting or planning anything ahead for the holidays. I don’t feel like I am actually LIVING, just existing. So food is the only source of taste that color up my life at the moment. I crave for strong tastes, such as super spicy instant noodles, then creamy cake, then salty fried chicken. Funny thing is that I am not even hungry when I decide to eat. It’s like I want to find that comfort and joy in food but I can only get disappointment; so I eat more. The emptiness cannot be filled by eating but I am still eating.

Why don’t I just workout? Why don’t I go out with friends? Or sign up for a class to learn something? Or bring my family out on the weekend to enjoy a park? Why can’t I just clean up my bedroom? Or read a book? Or plan a vacation? Or go shopping and update my wardrobe?

It’s almost like I need a shot of dopamine or adrenaline or whatever chemical that can boost me out of laziness. Is there a cause to all these numbness? Is it me? Or my non-fulfilling job? Or my family? Or the Sun? Is it really winter’s fault?

I have way more questions than answers at the moment. Dear powerful internet, please fix me. Thank you.

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