“I want to end my life.” She kept on looking out of the car window, watching all the clouds flying backwards, “but I don’t want to hurt my kid or parents.” She intentionally left his name out of her worries. Because she was sure that his life won’t be affected too much if she died.
No reply. Her voice was buried in the radio commercials. She turned her head to look at him, “Did you hear me? I am really tired. I want to give up. I don’t want to live any more.” He kept on driving. What was she expecting to hear from him? Some hope? Or reasons to be strong? Not sure. The silence in the car suffocated her even further. “Maybe he does not believe that I would ever kill myself. Maybe I will never do it. So why am I saying these thoughts out loud if I can’t make it happen?” She thought. Then she got scared by this very own thought. It was almost like a dare. Do it, coward.
Funny isn’t it? It takes way more courage to live than end it all. It might be difficult to know what to say when people bring up suicide. I am not a professional but I would expect saying anything positive is better than pretending not hearing it. “That’s the demon talking,” he explained a while later, “and I don’t speak to demons.”
But honey, do you know how much it hurts when the demon is constantly speaking to you in your head? When you are convinced that the “demon” is you, you are fighting with yourself day and night. Do you know how frustrating it is when you hate your own thoughts but they are fucking your thoughts?!
If you hate the demon in me, and leave me alone with it, how am I going to win the fight, alone?