I should say something. But nothing comes out.
I am not sure if you ever had this feeling, like it is wrong to feel how you feel. That is how I feel almost all the time.
Friend said:”but you have everything that I want. You are healthy; you have a loving family and a great job; you have this and also that…you should be grateful.”
Mom said:”Look, we are sacrificing our retirement life and being here to help you. We cook and clean for you. Your life is amazing! Stop feeling sad. What are you complaining about?”
Yes. I appreciate all that I have. And I know that I SHOULD be happy. Some days, I even feel angry that I can’t be happy. So I tried to stop feeling all together. Why? WHY? Why can’t I stop feeling how I feel and just be happy? Meditation and therapy can only bring me temporary peace of mind. Is it the weather or maybe hormones? This gloomy dark cloud surrounding me is causing some major chest pain.
The smallest thing can annoy me a lot. I want to scream but people only see a smile. Because I need to be understanding of how others feel. I have no reason to burden them with my garbage emotions. So I am quiet, saying I am good, moving along the day functioning like a capable mom/daughter/wife/friend/employee…all the responsibilities are dealt with. No tears, no complains, gold star for me!
When the night fall and the world is finally at sleep, I go to sit on the patio for a little while. My gazebo was torn down for almost a year now but I never had the energy to visit a Home Depot. Now looking at the night sky with no shield, it is not bad at all. For a brief moment, I am finally alone, with all my feelings. No, stop, I need to be grateful; no, no, don’t go there, I should be satisfied…forget it. Maybe just use some cannabis and call it a day. It is easier not to say anything.