This was our 3rd therapy session via video conferencing since the social distancing rule put everyone behind doors.
Honestly, there is not much difference to me whether to see Jen sitting on the couch across from me or behind a screen. Other than the occasional lagging in her voice or sudden disappearance of her face, the experience of having remote therapy sessions have been overall quite positive. Sometimes I think, maybe all I ever needed was that one hour to focus on me; to make it all about me and not feel guilty about it; to trust someone else to be there for me, taking charge and being the one with all the answers for a little while. Even if Jen is on the other side of Moon, as long as I know she will be there guiding me through my breakdowns for an hour, I don’t really care what format the therapy is in.
I was surprised again about how much I cried during this hour. I didn’t really feel sad the weeks prior to this session. Frankly speaking, I didn’t even feel any emotion lately. It’s mostly just a bunch of Mehs and Blahs. I didn’t even know what to talk about before Jen showed up on my laptop screen. And then it just happened. Jen asked the usual question:”So how was your week? Tell me about how you feel.” To which I answered with the usual and normal answer:”I am good, thanks. How about you Jen?”
And then the tears, oh the tears, just started to drop like I have been holding them back for months. Where did all this sadness come from? “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I am going to. I have nothing to be proud of. I hate my body. I don’t have any skills. I started 10 projects but only to not finish any of them…” Yup, here comes my mental diarrhea. “Why am I always crying when I talk to you Jen! Everyone else gets to see me smile but you are the only unlucky one! waaaahhhhhh” And it ended with another meltdown, of course.
“Tell me what’s your body feeling right now?”
Wait, what body? Ummm, “I feel…ummm….my head is buzzing and it is hard for me to breath.” Well, she did it again. She refocused my attention to my body to get me out of my swirling mind. Simply by noticing how I was breathing and fighting for air, my brain quiet down a lot. All the thoughts were pushed into the background and instead, all I can hear was that buzzing sound inside my head and me trying to breath through my stuffy nose (due to excessive crying not sickness).
Whenever depression hits, the darkness clustered your mind and suck you into this black hole of sadness and helplessness. The thoughts alone are enough to drain all my energy. Most of the time, I can’t even notice how my body is experiencing. Everything is meaningless. I almost envy everyone else around me. Everyone else seems to have it all together, but me. The other day, after hours of scrolling on the phone, I saw a photo of me 2 or 3 years ago. I took a selfie in the washroom to document my workout progress. Back then, I was trying very hard to lose weight by doing a 21 days challenge. I worked out every day and ate my meals by specific portions based on a strict daily calorie intake total. In the photo, I looked so fit and toned. It was a body that I would dream to have at this moment. But I knew, even at that time, I hated my body because I still felt fat. It is obvious that it is my mind that needed the fixing, even more than my body.
Jen said:”We need to trick our mind into believing what we want it to believe, but by using something believable.” For example, I can’t just say to myself that “I love my body because I am beautiful.” My brain just would not believe that statement. Instead, I can say:”I appreciate how I have a healthy body to carry me around and process all the food I put it in.” Well, something like that. Baby steps.
I can draw a little but I am not an artist. I can write a little but I am not a writer. I can sing a little but I am not a singer. I love psychology but I am not a psychologist. I know a bit of a lot of things but I am not a specialist in anything. HOWEVER, I am good at love. Yes, I realized that this might just be my specialty. I am good at noticing love, verbalizing love, receiving love, giving love and all sorts of loving powers. People can feel my love when they are with me. They know that I genuinely care. I heal all my loved ones with my love too. As ridiculous and cliché as it may sound, I am going to settle with that for now.
Love is my special power. What’s yours?