I couldn’t recall much of my most recent therapy session with Jen. I only vaguely remember that I talked myself out of a mental cluster, with her minimal interference. Instead of being my therapist, Jen is more like a highly skilled and unbiased (and expensive) friend who is always selflessly attending to my needs, in our one-sided relationship.
Roughly 20 minutes into our session, I stopped self-diagnosing and looking at her for guidance. And she didn’t speak either which left us (or maybe just me) sitting awkwardly in silence for at least a minute. That was a very uncomfortable minute. Was that supposed to be a lesson for me? Learn to shut up and listen in once in a while? Or was that just Jen slacking at work? Who knows. Maybe this was one of the reasons that some people don’t believe in behavioral therapy. What’s the point of talking with a stranger? I am sure that the answer is “it depends”. For me, it definitely helps. My brain is constantly producing useless yet dramatic thoughts; half of which were guilt or regrets for something in the past and the other half about the frighting future. All the thoughts tangled together like a big messy ball of yarn that I can never really understand what to do with them. The mess in my brain took up so much space all the time which pushed me to panic mode or deep depression. I was paralyzed by over sparkly emotions until Jen helped me to organize my brain.
“You are having these thoughts because of your parents.” “You are experiencing anxiety attack that’s why you cannot breath.” “Sounds like you are doing a lot already, don’t you think?” “Why do you think that way?” “How are your feelings right now?”
I believe that Jen is trying to rewire my brain. She said that the goal was to create a new way of thinking, gradually, so I don’t automatically fall back to my depressive way of thinking. I guess that would take more than 5 therapy sessions to accomplish.
Be patient with yourself honey, on this journey to mental health.