Have you ever had that feeling like after a weekend at home you felt somehow even more exhausted than before? That you did everything to fulfill the needs of everyone else in the family but your own? That you want to call in a “sick day” at work to have some “me time”? No? That’s great! You should walk outside right now and yell “I am such a lucky bastard!” Just kidding. I envy you for that.
It’s funny how “depression” is not so much of an excuse for a sick day. “Hi boss, sorry I cannot come in to the office today because I need to stay in bed and cry my eye balls out.” It’s easier to just lie and say “I have to skip work to sit on the toilet all day .” Butt is more important than your head in this scenario. I hate the fact that I am constantly living in guilt. If I skip work, I feel guilty for adding extra work for someone else; if I spent the whole day with my kid, I feel guilty to leave out my parents who were visiting me from China; if I have dinner with my friends and my kid ends up spending the whole night on his iPad, I feel like I failed as a mom…on and on it goes. There are always ten things on the go and sixteen others on my list that are way overdue. Am I just not capable of adulting?
Right now, I am sitting in my closet with no light. I want to enjoy the little peaceful moment before my dark feelings drowning me again. I only have 5 minutes before someone calling for me. This moment, I am just me.