My anxiety treatment is getting expensive, if we are now adding the cost of knitting as part of my therapy.

Yesterday afternoon at around 4:45 pm, I had this sudden urge to knit something. A scarf to be specific, I wanted to knit a scarf for J. The days are getting shorter and the tree branches are getting emptier. It’s getting harder to suppress the sadness creeping in, no matter how much I try to look at the “brighter side” of things. Anyway, I decided to follow my urge, ran to the store and picked up 2 balls of yarn, a pair of 9mm knitting needles and some recommended pin-looking hooks. It cost me $52 to potentially make two scarves. I guess knitting can be a very expensive hobby and I better make some damn fancy scarves now.

Sitting on the couch under the orange beam from a lamp, I felt freaking maternal holding this giant ball of yarn. Youtube, as the best teacher for all subjects, have a million videos for knitting beginners like me. I was watching the instruction second by second, learning how to cast on, purl and knit. For my mom, knitting is a relaxing activity. She would be watching TV, sipping tea and chatting with friends while making a complicated sweater. Me, on the other hand, have to completely focused on this task on hand. I was repeating in my mind for my knitting pattern :”Purl Purl, knit knit; now another purl purl….” Strangely, I was left with no brain power to worry about how I am going to look for this year’s Christmas party, or think about whether I am a bad mom for not taking my son to the 7am Saturday hockey practice. All my 10 brain cells were working together to try not screwing up this “fancy” scarf! It was a miracle!

And then I screwed up. Somewhere in this pattern of switching knitting directions, I made a mistake. I was too much of a beginner to know how to fix a screw-up so I pull it apart. The entire 3 hours of knitting, I made it back to a full ball of yarn, with sore eyes and aching shoulders. I admit, this was not so much of a happy-ending for my first attempt at knitting. But I will restart again tomorrow. J said he never had anyone in his life who made him a scarf, since he lost his mom at a very young age and had never met any crafty girlfriend afterwards. I will make this scarf, his first ever handmade fancy scarf.

From the movie, Purl.

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