Bloken English

Life is hard, isn’t it?

After more than 35 years, I still feel like a child in this world: babbling through each day and trying not to cry. Finding an excuse to cry can be difficult, or the time. Every day, I go to work (late) and come home, cook, feed the babies, watch my older son to eat, clean, walk the dogs, clean more, watch the babies play, feed them milk, and then accompany them to sleep; read story to my older son, wash the milk bottles…and then, then it is finally MY time. Around 11:00pm, it is my time. I am normally so tired but struggling not to sleep, watch a bunch of useless YT videos and fall asleep eventually.

I don’t really enjoy this lifestyle. Trying to find my life purpose, or what I can achieve for this “new” year, I tried meditating, YT hypnosis, and chatted with friends, nothing helped. I still have no idea what to improve or how to adjust my attitude to enjoy this life. Marriage feels like a fake façade now; the so-called “love” seems…nonexistence. Been cheated on multiple times, lies, excuses but I still don’t want to let it go. Maybe one day, the answer will come to me. Breath, take a vacation day, rest…I don’t know how to make myself better. Deep down, I know the cure to my issue is to have my husband’s love again, the real, sincere version of love. That is not up to me.

What else is important to me right now? Kids being healthy, having money, or some sort of self-development? I need to refocus and gain control back to my life.