Therapy VI

I was standing in front of a wooden door, with my hand on the golden doorknob. The color of the doorknob was a little worn out. Behind this door, it was a bright open space that has all the equipment I would need to create whatever I want. I was waiting there, at the door, for a little while to access my feelings. I was excited, passionate and full of energy and hope. I was not at all worried about how things would turn out or what other people might think of my final creation. I couldn’t wait to start. I finally opened the door. It was such a gorgeous room with giant windows from ceiling to the floor. Rays of warm sunlight was sipping through a sheer layer of white sash curtain. I was in front of a big canvas on a stand as tall as me. There was a long table beside the canvas stand where I can grab any paint brush and color that I can imagine. In the background, some relaxing piano music was playing. I took a deep breath and started to paint.

I only got to finish half of my painting when Jen’s voice entered my thought, “I want you to now put down the paint brush and step back from what you are working on. Just take a look at what you have created so far, and recognize how you feel at the moment? Was there any of those thoughts of judgement? Worrying? Anxiety? Sadness? Now you would go out of that door and close it behind you. Whenever you are ready, you can come back to reality.”

Yes, I think I was just hypnotized by Jen. I should be honest to say that I didn’t expect her to know how to do that. I didn’t want to come out of that room, my imaginary creation room. I loved that big open space that was full of sunlight. There was no negative thought at all when I was painting, imagery painting. I didn’t care how it would turn out or whether people would like it. I enjoyed watching the color flowing on canvas and fulfilling feeling from creating something of my own. That almost felt like…I was happy? Jen said:”You told me that you were too lazy to do anything that would make you happy. So when you were presented with a room of opportunities, you could just say nah, don’t feel like doing anything in that room; or you could have left the room and go to a different room. But you didn’t. So do you think that you are just too lazy?”

Jen said:”In reality, you seemed to overlook the process of creating something but instead jumped directly to the end product. And it almost sounds like you were hoping to monetize your creation, rather than enjoying the process of creating it.” Bingo! There it is! Knot untied, again! I was mixing a few different ideas into one giant mental cluster ball and name it “laziness”. In fact, what I was experiencing was trying to find a hobby that can be monetized enough to replace my current non-fulfilling job. Then hobby is no longer a hobby because I better know for sure that the end product can be good enough to bring me cash. So I end up killing my interests before I even start.

Next time when I am confused, or lost, I will come back to this door and see how I really feel about what’s behind it.

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