I read so many articles and books about finding my inner peace, which I always failed to accomplish. It sounds crazy if I cannot find 10 mins of my day to sit still and focus on my breathing, inhale and exhale. I mean I can do that for 10 mins just that my inner peace is not showing up. What do pops up when I meditate is the meter-long to-do list that I have not yet started for the day. “Mom, I suddenly need water desperately after I should have been sound asleep for an hour!” “Woof Woof Hooman, are you still breathing? Why are you sitting so still? You sure you don’t want this dirty ball toy right now?” “Hey, I think the milk that I had this morning expired 2 months ago.” “What is polar vortex?”
No, my brain doesn’t really have a peaceful quiet moment where I find my peace. I am surrounded by chaos and I cannot escape from it. The more I tried to run away, the more exhausted and frustrated I get. I don’t even cry anymore. I didn’t find the strength or time to do it. When I am tearing up, my brain said “hey, you could use this time and energy to pack his school lunch!”
So, instead of becoming seriously insane, I decided to try embracing my chaos. What my chaos means is that I have a full time job that can provide me with enough money to survive; I have a healthy engaging and active kid that loves to try new things; I have an awesome lover that is supportive all the time by my side; I have a house that needs to be cleaned; I have a car that needs to be fixed; and I have a bunch of dreams that keep me up at night. Those are gold! At least I have a purpose, maybe too much purposes sometimes, in life. I know I can have even better life. I have things that I want to do and the great thing is that I KNOW i can accomplish them! So what if I delayed the task to fix our garage lights for the entire winter? Or I didn’t achieve my new year resolution for losing weight. I am still making progress on the Podcast! That deserves some acknowledgement. A little pad on my own shoulder. There, there, I did a great job!
Embracing the chaos is truly believe that it is just part of a bigger process of becoming something better. It is just a part of life. It makes our life more colorful and tasteful when we look back at it. Maybe my inner peace is always here, within these chaotic moments. This too shall pass. Repeat this phrase 10 times at chaotic moments. This too shall pass. It works like a charm for me. I shall love me, unconditionally. I am trying, that is all that matters.